Telling Mom, Dad and the Boys

Blogger Note:  I will apologize now for this one….took me a long time to write and many tissues – brings back some tough stuff.

Difficult task.  Girl came from a very upstanding catholic family, where with her sister being divorce, she would now be creating a situation for her parents where there would be two failed marriages in the family.  One thing this immigrant family did not like was to ‘look bad’ in the eyes of others.

Once girl had located a place to live and new the dates that moving would take place, girl went for lunch at her mom’s.  Girl had never done this before so mom knew something was up.  Girl slowly explained that she would be getting divorced and that things would change for living.  The kids were going to stay with boy because of the huge amount of hours she was working and then they would not be uprooted.  Mom was very sympathetic and said she noticed that girl had been out of sorts lately and she had not seen boy and girl together in a very long time.  Girl explained that it has not been easy, but realizing that what is best for everyone to live a better life would be to change the situation, this is what she chose to do.

Mom asked if girl needed anything.  Girl asked mom to tell dad.  She could not face him.  Dad is like her hero – he moved his entire family from Europe to Canada, starting with himself at age 17.  Worked his butt off on various hard labour jobs to make enough money to build a house and send money back to get his parents over.  Girl had watched and learned as he worked his formal job as well as many side jobs to be able to build them new homes, take them on vacations, become a pillar in the community, gather a huge roster of friends and acquaintances, developing an amazing life for all of them, family coming first throughout everything.  He did everything well, and everything until it was perfect! This would be failure and the exact opposite of everything he stood for – girl could not do it.  Would he ever be able to understand that she could leave her children with their father, changing how a traditional family operates?  Mom said she would.

The day before the move, girl sat with Bubba on the couch.  He was 7 at the time.  Girl explained that the next day she would be taking all of her stuff and moving it to a new house. Girl explained that she loved both him and his brother very much but in order for all of them to get along better and be happier, she would need to live in a different house.  Bubba asked if girl and boy were getting a divorce.  Girl said yes.  Bubba started to cry and asked if he would see her again.  Girl reassured him, through her own tears (and the ones that are falling now) that she would see him every weekend and as many evenings as she could during the week at MammaMia’s for supper.  Girl asked Bubba if he heard lots of yelling and arguing.  Bubba answered yes.  Girl explained that sometimes people get to know each other and fall in love, but that sometimes they also grow and learn more about themselves and change, and want different things out of life.  This is what happened with his parents.  Girl asked Bubba if he was sleeping well.  Bubba said no.  Girl said that maybe he knew this may happen and that is why he was not sleeping well.  All this bad energy in the house.  Bubba said his stomach would hurt every time there was a fight.  Through even more tears, girl assured him that this would now stop, he could feel better and get some rest.

Bubba asked about Peanut and how he would be told.  Girl responded that because he was so young (only 2), they would simply get into a new routine of being together.  If he asked, she would tell him like she told Bubba.

Girl asked Bubba for a favour.  To be a big boy and help his father with Peanut.  Bubba said he would.  Little did girl know that she was setting Bubba up for many years of responsibility that made him grow up way too fast.

When Girl re-lived this piece, her heart did not break but sure felt bruised.  Fortunately, being at a place in life where all is now settled for the better, the ache is leaving although there will be always things to work out for Bubba and Peanut, no matter when  they decide to allow it to creep up on them.

It Starts to Fall Apart

Boy was gone and already communication started to fall apart. Lilith thought she ruled.  Thought she was in charge.  Portrayed herself as supermom, not the wishy-washy and soon to be vindictive, low self-esteem, wine guzzling bitch.  Lilith always had low self-esteem, still does.  She relies on Boy to get her jobs, works in the kitchen as ‘help’ though she tries to tell everyone she is the sous chef….when there are only 2 of you in the kitchen, you are the help.

Girl would call every night as she always did to say good night  to the children, now the phone was not being answered, or calls would go to voicemail, or messages not passed along. This was Lilith’s way of stemming communication and ties so that the boys would not want to leave to go elsewhere.  Her attempt at sending a message to Girl that she was now the mom.  This would not last!

The Affidavits Start

Girl completed the affidavit outlining as many issues that have arisen with care of the children as she could possibly remember.  As a mom, Girl knew that the children needed to be with a parent…a biological parent….not Lilith…the stepmom of the wine bottle (oh, sorry, this story comes later).  Girl brought the bank documents about the house.  Girl was prepared to sell.  Because both their names were on the deed, this would not work. Girl was stuck working this out through the lawyers.

The affidavit process was long and emotional…lots of old anger dredging up, lots of wondering where the mistakes happened and of course assigning blame.  Girl will come to realize later that blame is not what is important, it’s getting it done quickly for the sake of the kids (and with the laws and inability of the family courts to actually do things quickly so that it is in the best interest of the children and not the lawyers).  This writing is happening 4 and a half years after the first signature was placed on a document…and it’s still not over.

Girl’s mom went to swear an affidavit outlining everything she knew about the care of the children or lack of, including all the care she provided.  Numerous times the children told her things that happened and begged her not to share it with their father because he would punish them.  Things like when they were sick at night, they would have to go get their own Tylenol and not go in Boy’s room; when Bubba’s ear was bleeding due to an ear infection, he was punished for soiling his pillow with blood; how Peanut was punished for teasing the dog even though the dog nipped Peanut in the face.  (and there is so much more…because Girl can hear it in the anger in the children’s voices when they mention things in passing).  This was good for MammaMia because she could let it out and everyone could know what a jerk Boy really was to the boys.  (needless to say, this was just the beginning of jerk-jackass status).

Call the Lawyer

So you are probably wondering why I have all this information.  Well, when I was working with lawyers on a different matter, notes were everything.  I would spend the regular eight hours of work working, and then spend another 2 to 3 making notes on every issues.  I got pretty good at it.  Something about this whole situation compelled me to write it down.  Fortunately it is also recorded in reams and reams of court documents….coming soon…be patient.

Well, Boy is going to be off and Girl calls her lawyer on Monday morning explaining what needs to take place. Of course an affidavit is required, that and a retainer….so every can understand this is not going to be cheap.  In fact, by the time all is said and done (and at the time of this writing it still is not) Girl could have sent both children to medical school and paid the mortgage on her house.  Anyway,   Girl books the appointment with Lawyer and made more notes. In the next two days, Boy left the country and Girl met with Lawyer.  Girl was still stunned.   Girl could still not believe that Boy would abandon his children.  Girl could not fathom what the children were actually thinking even though Boy fed them line after line about how this would be best for everyone.  Where in God’s green earth is it best for anyone to not live in the same home as a biological parent?  Yes, go ahead, lecture me on the unsafe situations of abuser and everything else, this is not the case for the homes of Boy or Girl.  But to actually have children raised by someone other than their biological parent when no other extenuating circumstances are present is absolutely ridiculous!

Money Issues, Of Course

When Girl asked how they would communicate about the kids, Boy said by email and that he would be getting an international cellphone so that he could call them.  He would not be giving Girl the number because she would not need it.  Girl could communicate with Lilith!  Lilith would be responsible for driving the kids to school and pick up from Girl’s mom’s.

Boy also explained that although his pay was not going to be the same as he was earning at the Golf Club, it was in US funds and also tax-free because it would be earned on international waters so he would come out way ahead. (HAHA)  Boy would not discuss his salary or provide evidence of it for Girl to be able to determine how much of Bubba’s orthodontic expenses he would need to cover.  As usual, it was up to Girl to pay for everything…even more so now that Boy would not be around.

For monetary concerns, as Girl was paying child support, Boy asked Girl to continue to put child support into a specific account that they had set up and was still held jointly for this purpose.  This amount of course, would cover the mortgage.

The Next Bomb

Boy explains to Girl that he had to look for work and that is why that, at times, the mortgage was not being paid, but that would change going forward.  Boy had landed a job with Holland America – that’s right!  A cruise ship line.  He would be a Sous Chef – not even the executive chef.  He would be travelling 4 months on with a 2 ½ month furlough and then he would go back for 4 months.  Girl is stunned.  Girl has no idea what to say, so instead she starts to write notes.  Boy stated that he would start working in two weeks but had to leave for Fort Lauderdale in 4 days and return sometime in August. Boy said he covered all this with the children and that they were fine with it.  They would miss him but he would send for them with the money he makes so that they could visit him on the ship (do you really think that’s going to happen??)

Girl asked about the residence of the children.  Boy stated that Lilith would take over parental duties in his absence.  Girl was terribly upset about that.  This woman had never had kids of her own, hardly cared for them during the time they were with the couple because the children spent more time at MammaMia’s than with her.  Girl was also very afraid of the complaints the children had made about her punishments for silly ‘infractions’ on rules that Lilith made up to be a hard-nosed stepmother who was practicing her own form of ‘tough love’.  Girl expressed her deep concern but Boy dismissed it.  Girl made it clear that she would be contacting a lawyer about getting the children removed from the stepmother’s ‘care’.

The Meeting Starts

Boy explains to Girl that he has been unemployed since January.  It is now April.  He stated that he was let out of his contract at the Golf Club because he had an argument with a Board Member.  Girl interprets this as ‘Boy was shooting his mouth off, thinking he could get away with being the eccentric chef, with little clue as to how little power his position actually held’.  Boy, Lilith and the children had been living off of the severance package that he was provided with the termination.  (When Boy tells the story later it becomes that his contract ended and was not renewed….so why would they give you a severance package jackass!)

The Job Goes First

Christmas and the New Year have gone by.  There are more letters arriving from the bank for Girl about the Mortgage with Boy and the house where the kids live.  More arrears.  Questions Boy will not answer.  Eventually some payments are made because the letters stop after a month or so.  And then, out of the blue, Boy invites Girl to have coffee so that they can talk.  Girl is extremely suspicious because in all the time they have been divorced, this has never happened.  The kids are alright in school, their health is fine, there is nothing to actually have a discussion about except the mortgage arrears and why they are happening.  Funny though, the kids had mentioned that their father had been home more to drive them to school and pick them up more on time at MammaMia’s.  Girl chalked this up to it being winter and golf season had yet to start.  The previous year had been the same, a little quieter with more vacation time.

Something Stupid Gets Started

The day went off without a hitch.  Well, almost.  Girl had forgotten the CD’s she needed for the ‘walk down the aisle’ music.  Zip greased the DJ and he provided us with his whole music collection.  Girl and Zip eventually picked “Something Stupid” by Frank Sinatra.  It was a beautiful song – great rhythm, graceful and light.  They still laugh about it today!  Bubba walked Girl down the aisle on his arm and peanut carried the rings in a silver bowl filled with sand from the beach.  And boy was it hot!  At 11 am it was 98 degrees outside.  The ceremony started at 11:05 am, pictures at 11:20 am and back into the pool by noon.  The couple and the guests spent the afternoon playing water volleyball and relaxing by the pool with drinks.  At 6 pm, the bar was closed off for a private reception where Zip and Girl hosted their guests with the hotel manager to a champagne cocktail before dinner.  Bubba and the Best Man both spoke a few words of congratulations to start the evening off right.

If you have ever heard the words to the song, “Something Stupid” refers to saying ‘I Love You’.  The words in the song set up a beautiful scene, as if two lovely people were sitting out at a cafe in wrought iron chairs having a glass of champagne.  Both cannot believe how lucky they are to be in that moment in time and simply blurt out ‘I love you’, with all the intention and emotion that comes with saying I Love You for the first time.  That is how Zip and Girl felt.  That is how Zip and Girl feel.  Everyday – lucky to have found one another, ready to live life together and be present in every moment as if they were/are sitting at that cafe table enjoying the first I love you.

Girl Gets the Job

Girl applied for the position and completed all the interviews.  At the same time, it was inventory-time and key performance indicators in the department would be measured.  If all went well and the numbers were good, Girl would fulfill her promise to the team and move on.  Hopefully to this new role.  It happened!  Good metrics, Girl got the new job, life was moving in a whole new direction.

  Girl learned some key lessons along the way.  Girl learned about developing a balance between work and family; learned that there is a lot more to discover about herself than she thought; learned that commitment comes in all shapes and sizes; learned that building a team and caring for a family holds a great many of the same principles.

What lessons have you learned along your journey?  Please share.